Yesterday I went to write in the journal that I've kept on and off for almost 10 years to discover a whole heap of pages missing...
I have the worlds worst memory so it literally feels like the momories written there have been taken from me.
Why someone would have ripped the pages out is beyond me. I can't quite figure it out. I kept the journal as I'd stopped writing online so needed somewhere to keep my thoughts...
I think the universe is trying to tell me something... I've been more social in the last few days than I have been in the last 3 months, well not quite, lets say the last 3 weeks, lol. Am I no longer allowed to be a hermit?!?
I must admit it really is a lovely life here on our little island and I throughly enjoy my wonderful friends and the time I spend with them, it would just be nice if I could click with the whole deal... Drop kid at school, have lovely play date, do some cleaning, prep dinner, pick kid up from school, do homework, cook dinner, clean kitchen, bath kids, put kids to bed, absolutely LOVE the me time once there in bed so end up staying up ridiculously late, alarm goes of at 6.30 am & repeat! GROUND HOG day as I refer to it. And yes, I'm the one who's in control of it all but 'eh' it does my head in.
So the last few weeks I've been looking into study options. It's about now that I'm wishing that I wasn't scholastically challenged but I think I can still make it work. I enjoyed my work as a Remedial Massage Therapist (past tense) but at present it's just another scenario where people are demanding more of 'me' and between hubby and the kids it just doesn't feel like there's enough to go around. So basically what I've decided is that I'd like to get into Physio. Problem is Physiotherapists are rather smart so pretending we all know something about the University ranking systems, the Physio courses rank about 92+. With my previous study I think I rank somewhere between a 82-86.
No bother though we have a plan. As Physio is a face to face degree anyway, not having the grades isn't completely a bad thing. Hubby had a whisper a week or so ago about a job that may be coming up in South Korea so studying by distance would be a much better thing if the job were to eventuate. I will cross my fingers re the job but wouldn't dear hold my breath. I sooooo want change, any change. South Korea would be AWESOME!
There are a few degree paths that 'may' lead to into Physiotherapy, which are: a bachelor of Sport Science or a Bachelor of Exercise and Sports Science (Clinical Exercise Physiology) . I was hoping that there would be a mid year intake but for the above course applications start in September for the 2014 year
I'm so sick of the freaking judgment! From Joe Blogs to my own mother & husband to boot... As a result of hating my job as a stay at home mum to 3 children (1 x all most 5 year old & 2 year old twins) the way I cope is been quite routine driven and... This is somewhat due to our first child been VERY high maintenance as a new born and it was the only way we could deal with him. He still is high maintenance... Then having the twins it was all I could do to cope with the 3 hourly breastfeeding that only allowed me 1.5hour blocks of sleep for the first several months of their lives... I continue to try and do my best yet I feel like it's continually thrown in my face.
My husband flew out last night to Vietnam for work, so he'll be away for approximately 10days. So with him been away I took the kids down to the local organic farm market this morning. It rained overnight so I put them in the gumboots. Anyway I paid for my goods and popped them in the car then found one of the toddlers running for a huge muddy puddle, last time they did this they fell in the mud which resulted in mud everywhere, all over their clothes, all over me and all through the car. So needless to say not something I wanted to deal with on my own whilst dealing with the other 2 children. All I said was "No, don't go in the mud" I didn't have a shrill edge to my voice, it was said in a very normal kinda of why... But I am obviously doing some sort of huge damage to my child...
You would have thought I was some sort of criminal. The owner of the market was there as was my mother. My mother proceeds to state "I don't know why she's like this" WTF!!!!! then saying something about it could be because of how she parented me, ummmm F*CK OFF!!!! Maybe I just don't want to clean up the freakin mud!!!!
At the same time my mother is saying this, the owner is then telling me her personal mantra "this too shall pass" and to "breath" ummm WTF... So over this shit.
My husbands latest joke is that we have 5 types of milk in the house, excessive, yeah... but what am I supposed to do? My oldest and I used to drink goats milk, as I'm not great with diary, he still does, the twins have a diary allergy so when I stopped breastfeeding them when they were 11 or 12 months we started them on rice milk then one of them has had heaps of tummy problems so we had to switch to Almond milk but the other one won't drink almond milk so they stuck with Rice milk, my husband drinks normal cows milk and I like to use coconut milk mixed with rice milk. Hence he thinks it's hilarious and proceeds to tell his 'funny joke' when ever he gets the opportunity. Which makes me look like a over accommodating twit and feel incredibly stupid....
It's odd isn't it, the only people I don't feel judged by are my husbands biological mother (AKA mother-in-law number 1) and step father... Who would have thought they'd ever hear anyone say that! His step mum (AKA mother-in-law number 2) on the other hand and my very own mother have got lots of opinions.
So what it all boils down to is that I need to do something... I can't stand been a stay at home mum, I love my kids and do a great job of parenting them but this shit just gets to me. My husband and I can't swap roles. I've had a shoulder and hip problem which has hindered my work as a remedial massage therapist. Even when I ran my own business part time the judgment of the other 'play group parents' was HUGE but at least the kids weren't doing my head in... The carer/nanny that looked after the kids was full of opinions as well. I stopped working 4 months ago and she moved on 6 weeks ago. It's nice not having someone in your home that thinks (at 18) they can do it all better than you...
Maybe I just need to start up my business again... It's almost been like stuck in a catch 22. Dammed if you do, dammed if you don't....
So while they are technically not "bubs", nor have been for some time, I can't bring myself to call them "The Twins"... "The Kids" refers to all of our children and "The Toddlers" doesn't quite work either. So until I figure out something better they'll be referred to as the bubs :)
Them been 2 years old makes my head spin. I have no idea where the time has gone. The second year has gone by in as much of a blur as the first year of their lives did. Rich is a big school boy and hubby graduates from uni in a month and I have 2 year old twins.
We popped up to the shop today and when ever anyone sees them we get the normal 'oh haven't they grown' etc. Which today I responded to that it's their birthday today etc etc and them we get the "double the trouble but twice the joy" lol. I readily agree to double the trouble but only hesitantly agree to twice the joy. All I can say is that I love them to bits and they can be soooo super cute but they also ware you down!
I picked Rich up from school today and we were driving along and he started to sound out and list words that began with 'F' he got up to about the 4th word then goes "fff fff fff F#ck" I'm like "RICHARD!" he was so cute, he first reaction was "oh, oh. Sorry! I was just sounding out F words" Lol. I then explained that was a bad word.
He may have heard us say it on rear occasion but it was in a song on the radio this morning, I quickly changed the station but the damage may have been done... Oops!!
It's probably been about 4 years since I've written in a blog, which is interesting as I kept several blogs for the 4 years prior to that... My oldest child is almost 5 and my 2 youngest are a week away from been 2, yes they're twins.
Today I watched a video on Facebook narrated by Alan Watts and it basically says "how would you really enjoy spending your life", ask yourself the question "What do I desire?" and that if you don't figure this out you'll spend your life doing things you don't like doing and end up bringing your children up to do the same... I know that's not what I want, I don't want to be the one setting that example for them...
I'm very lucky in that my husband really enjoys his job, so is setting a great example, he's one of those people who has a passion for what he does and he's been doing it for close to 20years, always bettering himself, always studying. It's hard to explain to a person who knows what they want and where they're going, so to speak, that you feel like you're just floating. That while you're doing something you enjoy it, then you stop enjoying it and it's time to move onto the next thing but you don't necessarily know what the next thing is, hence 'floating'.
I never written this down in black and white, maybe it's why I stopped writing, but I don't really enjoy been a stay at home mum. I love my children and it's a choice I've made, to stay home with them, as I want the best start possible for them. Honestly though, it's not my calling in life and I often refer to my life as "groundhog day" different day but same old same old. I know it shows and it's not the example I want to set for my children.
Maybe this is my wake up call to sort myself out...
2 plus 3 makes 5 refers = my husband and myself plus our 3 children, our oldest son and youngest 2 who are twins.
You tube videos by philosopher Alan Watts: